I recently received an email from a lover of years past. She is now pregnant and with a man who is very unclear whether he wants to be a father and whom she describes as often angry, distant and reserved. He emphasizes freedom in his spiritual growth and is thus resisting being a father with all the responsibilities that entails. This woman reached out to me asking me for advice. I share my response below:
Good morning [name],
That sounds like a difficult situation to be in. A few things may help -
1. Men's group: He is in a situation which is very difficult to work
through without other men, and with time pressure. I strongly encourage
he find or start a men's group that meets regularly. It should focus on
good men's group things like integrity, facing his fears, taking
responsibility for his actions and his life, finding his life purpose
and actually walking it, and so on. If this doesn't work out, finding a
really good life coach or therapist may help - anyone he can confide in
that will both hear him and hold him to a high standard.
2. Choosing from freedom: Freedom for some people can mean, "I have no
obligations and nobody expects anything from me". This ultimately is
very isolating and not very satisfying, but with this perspective, any
obligation/expectation is a burden, a diminishment of freedom. And of
course, parenthood with little external support and unsure relationship
with baby-mama has a lot of obligations/expectations! Another, deeper
sense of freedom is this: "I commit to living the most meaningful life
imaginable, to being who I am alive to be. I recognize in my heart I am
meant to be a father, and I accept that this pregnancy is a gift in
helping me be who I alive to be - a father. This is a challenge to be
grateful for." In other words, he must not think of this as a burden or
something forced on him, but something that is part of his sacred path,
which if you're right that he wants to be a father, it is.
3. Acknowledging fears: If you're right that he really wants to be a
father, then the reason he's not excited is because he's scared. The
first and hardest step is always to face the fears. Example fears: How
will he have to rearrange his life? Will he know how to handle difficult
situations with you or the kid? What will he have to give up that might
be important to him? What dreams did he have of fatherhood that this
doesn't quite match up to? Can he handle a responsibility that lasts the
rest of his life, not just a year or two like a job? Will he treat his
child the way his parents treated him, or will he do better? Can he
afford to take care of the kid and take care of you?
He might not even be able to articulate these fears to himself. The more
you can get him to articulate these fears, the better. Once they're out
in the open, you can acknowledge your faith in him and simply work
through things. Until the fears come out, they remain difficult for you
to help with.
4. Bravery and trust: Many men learn not to face their fears, which is
exactly what needs to happen in this situation. Again, a good men's
group can be extremely helpful. In this situation, it is important for
him to find the bravery to face his fears. There are many ways for him
to do that. One thing that inspires bravery in men is women's trust. To
hear you say "I trust you" or "I have faith in you, I know you can do
anything" as you look into his eyes, this is powerful. Of course, you
have to find that trustable, brave part of him as you speak so that your
words are true. But of course you trust him, or else why would you try
to keep him around as the child's father?
A simple mantra which may help him is this: "I can handle anything".
Just him saying this over and over may help, and hearing you say it
about him may help too, so long as you mean it.
5. You must have faith: This last one is for you. Faith means to trust
that the best thing that can happen will happen. If he's meant to be
this child's father, he will find it in his heart to show up. if not, he
will leave, and that will be the best thing. If you feel afraid and try
to pressure and manipulate him, it will do no good, even if he ends up
staying a little while before leaving. Build him up, help him be a
deeper man, remind him you're in this with him together, and you can do
it. If he refuses, keep doing your best - open in spite of his closure,
as we used to say together. And ultimately, if he keeps refusing,
prepare to take care of yourself and the child without him and be a
model of strength and resourcefulness of your child. Find family
supporters, find other women friends, do whatever you need to do. I know
you can do it, if you need to!
Remember that your choice of father is one of your first gifts to your
child. I can tell how much you want this man to be the baby's father. I
hope it works out and he finds his true strength. But if not, there are
other men, and there are many fathers so bad that it would have been
better not to have a father at all. So again, do your best and have faith.
I wish you well! I hope you will let me know how it goes.
