Equity, Integrity, and Solidarity

I work for a nonprofit and recently chose not to work with someone again after he lied to me and refused to commit to being honest in the future. Many people disagree with my stance, and at least some of them do not understand it. I wrote the following to clarify what happened and where I stand.

If someone asked me to summarize all the different equity issues around the world in a single word, I would say ‘solidarity’, with a root word of ‘solid’.

Solidarity - women ask men, “please stand in solidarity with us, recognize our problems are your problems because at root we are one”. Black people ask white people - "Please stand in solidarity with us. Recognize our problems are your problems. If you have privilege, use it in solidarity. Because at root we are one."

It's the same everywhere - rich and poor, adults and children, humans and nonhumans. Solidarity is what’s needed, and what’s missing.

*Solidarity, solidness and integrity* What is needed for solidarity? Every activist ever will tell you solidarity requires solid relationships based on trust; we have to be able to trust each other. And that means we have to tell the truth, we have to keep our promises. Otherwise we will not be solid with each other, and we cannot stand in solidarity, and all our hopes and dreams of being good allies and doing equity work will be for naught.

Since closing circle of Rivercane 2023, I have been involved with staff and leadership in three cases of low integrity. In two cases, a group intended to break a promise or outright state something false when they knew the truth. In the third case, the staff member Andrew did outright knowingly state falsehoods to me.

*Dishonesty poisons relationships* Everybody knows that dishonesty and breaking promises destroys relationships. Your wife, your husband or partner - if they lie, that is hard to come back from. Same with coworkers and friends - if they break promises, it severely limits the relationship. Low integrity is absolutely poisonous to any relationship and any culture. But that doesn’t mean when a person does something wrong I cast them away. Instead I seek to hold others to a high bar, just like I’d want others to hold me to a high bar when I slip. And that’s what I did.

*Holding each other to a high bar* In each case I held the person or group to a high bar and said, to summarize, "we’re better than this. you’re better than this. Let’s find a way to be in integrity, to tell the truth and keep our promises even if people become upset with us because of the stand we’re taking. We can't let fear of others' reactions keep us from doing the right thing."

In the first two low-integrity cases, the group heard me and changed their path. they ended up keeping their promise and telling the truth. It was simple.

With Andrew, I entered a meeting with him and the coordinator Sara with the intention that he would work with us this fall and I would resume trusting him. My first question asked him what exactly he remembered happening last spring between us, and he agreed: at the end of the spring event, he had the correct mileage numbers and knowingly gave me wrong numbers to change the worktraders’ reimbursement amounts.

*I want to trust you and for that I need you to return to integrity* I told him I wanted to trust every word he says, and for that I would need him to ‘return to integrity’, which is a simple process:

1. Acknowledge what you did and why it wasn’t ok. For example (he didn't say this; it's what I would have wanted to hear): "I deliberately told you wrong information to manipulate reimbursements for worktraders. I see how you wouldn’t trust me after this and I know how important that trust is to you and to me too."
   
   
2. Acknowledge what was going on for you that you chose to lie (show some self-reflection). For example (again, not something he said), "I was afraid you wouldn’t listen and I wanted to give a better rate to the worktraders. I should have trusted you to hear me out, but even if I didn’t trust you or if we disagreed I should have been honest so we can acknowledge any disagreements and always be clear with each other."
   
   
3. Commit to integrity. For example: "I apologize for lying. I commit to always telling the truth and being straight with you. Thank you for hearing me out and recognizing I can come back from my mistake."

The meeting with Andrew could have been 3 minutes long if he had just said this. I spelled out this return-to-integrity procedure very clearly for Andrew repeatedly. What did I hear instead?

Excuses:

• I was busy
• Actually Madison told me the idea
• I was going to tell you the real numbers later
• I don’t regret what I did.
• I don’t consider what I did dishonest because I planned to tell you the real numbers later but I never got a chance.
• I hear how in your experience you might perceive dishonesty, but really that’s just your experience and not my experience because I know I was going to tell the real numbers later.

The nonprofit's head coordinator Sara was there with Andrew and me; she can vouch for all this. After going round in circles for an hour, and hearing the excuses mount, and hearing we have very different understandings of honesty, I drew a line. Andrew would not commit to a path that would let me trust every word he says, and so I would not work with him this fall.

While I acknowledge getting exasperated a few times, I recall remaining very self-controlled, speaking clearly and respectfully the entire time. I practice being direct, clear, and firm on issues like this while also listening carefully and remaining humble and open to feedback. In this case I entered the meeting well prepared with what I wanted to happen to resume trust. Instead of a commitment to integrity I got excuses. Instead of acknowledgement I got shifting definitions of honesty. I would be dishonoring the organization if I handed a budget to someone with a track record of lying to my face and making excuses when confronted with it.

The way I see it, I stood for a culture of integrity, and Andrew voted himself out. It’s not a question of forgiveness. I welcome him back whenever he’s willing to return to integrity.

*We get what we stand for* I believe we get the culture we are willing to stand for. I want to be around people I trust and who trust me. People who hold each other to a high bar so we can do big things in the world together. So long as we tolerate working with people who don’t agree on what ‘honesty’ even means, we will never be solid enough to be in solidarity with others. Without being solid, without integrity, we can spend thousands of hours talking about equity but it will come to nothing and no one will feel better. Thus, I focus on integrity as foundational to equity work. I commit to holding others and myself to a high bar, to being solid, so we can be in solidarity with other people and the earth.

*equity work: I focus on solidarity first, then feelings* Many people seem to approach equity work with the goal of making people feel better. I think this is backwards. Feelings of deep comfort and safety come not from focusing on people's feelings, but by standing in solidarity together, even when we really really don't feel like it. It comes from standing for shared values, shared norms of appropriate behavior. I might have an argument with someone, but I'll feel just fine if I know deep down they'll have my back in any emergency; they'll stand with me if someone behaves disrespectfully towards me.

So long as we focus on making people feel good while tolerating low integrity, I do not believe anyone will ever feel deeply good. The profound shift will come when we agree on shared norms and stand for them no matter what, together. This requires solidarity, which requires solid relationships based on integrity. That's why I'm taking a stand for integrity.